We at Letters to Florence are committed to making sure you are Doing Everything Right as a Parent (even though we may go long intervals between blog postings, which no doubt leaves you wondering what you should be doing).  Like all Parents, we know that Summertime raises distinct challenges, especially as we drift into August. All the Progress our Children made during the previous School Year seems by now to have totally evaporated; at this point they are unable to do much more than shoot Water Guns at each other, or go Pee-Pee with the door wide open and not flush the bowl, or cover themselves in General Filth and Dirt, or find new and inventive ways to Piss Each Other Off. The novelty of the warm weather, of the Flip-Flops and the Soap Bubbles and the Summer Clothing Catalogues, may be starting to wear off, even just a little, and you wouldn’t be faulted for longing for some vague idea of Ordinary Time, though you know that doesn’t really exist, at least not at this Age. So, to help you make it through the rest of Summertime, here are Three Key Rules, the adherence to which, we think, is essential to keeping your Summer Fun, Safe and Healthy.

Rule #1: On Kiddie Swimming Pools. Nothing says It’s Summertime more clearly than The Kiddie Swimming Pool. When else would such large numbers of Parents voluntarily let their children swim and splash and go underwater and swallow such water (because that’s what children do with Kiddie Pool Water) in what amounts to, essentially, a gigantic Bath Tub? You think any of those kids took a shower before they got in the pool, like the signs say you’re supposed to? You’re lucky if they took a shower the night before, or even two nights before, if their Parents are as exhausted as we are, and as open to reasons for skipping. Now look, I take my kids to the pool quite often, and I am not at all ashamed of that; and if you’re doing so, then good for you, and maybe I’ll see you there (though if you’re going in the water, you’re on your own). But I would strongly advise you to read no further about the cleanliness, or lack thereof, of swimming pools than what you’ve read here. I’ve heard some people start talking about some pretty allegedly nasty aspects of these pools, and I’ve managed this unwanted information mostly by covering my ears and/or shouting “Lalalalalala!!!”, because if you or I heard any of this information, then we probably couldn’t in good conscience continue to take our kids there, and then what the heck would we do with them when it’s 90+ degrees outside and they are driving us insane? So, stop any further research into swimming pools right here, right now. That smell that lingers on your children for an oddly large number of days after the Saturday Afternoon Swim? Why, that’s just the deep cleansing action of the Chlorine! Mmmm. Smells like…..just don’t look into it any more.

Rule # 2: On the Application of Sunscreen. I don’t come from a family of Sunscreen users. I can’t remember as a kid ever once applying Sunscreen, or having it applied to me. Like, ever. I do remember applying the opposite, as I got older and more conscious of matters of physical appearance: Baby Oil, for the express purpose of literally frying my skin under the hot Long Island sun, maybe at Jones Beach or maybe in the backyard while lying on an old, fraying lawn chair. If you are thinking, wow, that’s pretty stupid, isn’t it, the answer would be yes, it is; but that’s what White People on Long Island did back in The Day. None of this, of course, lends itself to being conscious of applying Sunscreen to children – it took me well into June to get into the Habit. But maybe my personal history isn’t the only reason for being Tardy to the Sunscreen Party. To put it shortly, putting Sunscreen on children is a gigantic Pain in the Ass. They never want to put it on and they are always moving around or running away and it’s the morning and you’ve got to get them out the door and no wonder you got it in their eyes and all over your work clothing [expletive expletive expletive]!!! It makes me want to fill up a gigantic Vat of it and dip them all in, one-by-one, like Strawberries about to be Chocolate-Covered, and then, when finished, shout out something like “The Kids Are Ready!”, for no reason, really, because they would very likely not be ready, as they would still need their teeth brushed and bellies fed and all of that, but it would just feel right. And then, to make matters worse, there’s like 100000 different versions of Sunscreen out there, even if you narrow your search to products that are supposed to be appropriate for children. Some are “chemical free”; some are “organic”; some are “mineral based” and “non-allergenic”; some are…are you [expletive expletive expletive] kidding me? Really? I thought it was the UV Rays that I was supposed to be worried about? Now it’s the stuff that’s supposed to protect them from the UV Rays that I’m supposed to be worried about? Oh, come on!

What’s the Parent to do here? It’s very simple, readers – just following these Simple Steps:

1. Get some sunscreen – any kind, really, as that’s got to be better than nothing (or Baby Oil);
2. Do your best to get it on them – a little is probably going to get in their eyes and that’s ok (didn’t you read the label and it’s unsubstantiated assertions like “Sting-Free!” and “Gentle on the Eyes!”; just ignore the cries of “it stings!” from your children, as they are obviously wrong);
3. If you are opting for aerosol, don’t let your kids near the spray-can, as they will absolutely spray themselves directly in the Face (of course, you shouldn’t spray them in the Face either, even when you’re trying to get their cheeks and noses, though that’s always so tempting and seems so, so much easier);
4. If you are sending them somewhere like Camp, ask once if they re-apply it during the day, and assuming the answer is yes, don’t ask again and assume they are doing that (and if they’re not, then maybe ask them to, or at the very least, make sure they are not doing the Baby Oil thing); and then
5. Congratulate yourself for being a heroically conscientious Parent.

Rule # 3: On Nutrition. Studies have shown that Young Children are inherently drawn to highly processed foods, artificial flavors, and Ice Cream in the Summertime, and are averse, overall, to Vitamins and Nutrients. One time, my oldest son J asked me, while riding home from Camp, whether we could have Ice Cream for dinner. I was a bit surprised by his directness; usually, he’s savvier and more incremental in his approach to negotiations. I was like, of course we cannot have Ice Cream for dinner. His rejoinder was “well, look at all those people having Ice Cream for dinner”; whereupon I looked along the side of the road and saw an Ice Cream Stand and a tremendously long line of people standing and waiting patiently for their Ice Cream Dinners, and making me look like the Ebenezer Scrooge of Summertime. Even our youngest daughter, E, a mere 20 months old, often chants “I want Po[p]sicle!” [she omits the middle “p”] during these long rides home (proof, no doubt, of the inherent nature of children’s desire for High Fructose Summers, and not, of course, of our lack of Willpower). How should you deal with this? Here are some methods:

1. We don’t have any methods for dealing with this, as this often happens at the end of the day, when our Creative Energy Tanks are Empty. You can either (i) screw it and get in the Ice Cream Dinner Line, or (ii) say no and hope for the best with regard to a “real” dinner, which they likely will not eat.

So, there you have it, folks – your Keys to a Fun, Safe, and Healthy Summer, brought to you by your friends at Letters to Florence.  Happy Lots of Clothes-Washing!!