Having children can pose incredible challenges to your Marriage. Recall, if you can, all the Fun Things you used to do together before you had kids, all the Shared Experiences and Unforgettable Memories.  Maybe you hiked mountains and took Selfies when you got to the Top.  Maybe you went to Fashionable Restaurants and took pictures of the Fashionable Things you ate and posted them on your Fashionable Facebook Page.  Maybe you took vacations to Exotic Islands or European Countries, and talked with your friends about how the Water in Aruba is so warm, or how you had this really great wine in Rome that you simply cannot get anywhere in the United States, which made you feel so cultured and well-travelled because that’s how you felt when you talked about things you simply couldn’t get in the United States, or maybe you just said “the States,” to sound extra European.

I don’t know what you did, but the point is, you did stuff with each other that was Fun. When you add Kids to the Equation, however, stuff like this gets way more complicated.  Try hiking with a baby in one of those expensive Hiking Baby Backpacks that are not nearly as seamless as advertised.  Flying with children is like flying with children – just ask anyone who has flown with children, or better yet, ask the poor people who had to sit next to them.  And there is simply nothing Fashionable about posting anywhere a picture of a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich, which begins to comprise of a much greater percentage of your diet than you ever thought was possible, once you figure out that going to Restaurants is a huge waste of time and money and energy and the very definition of Not Fun.

So what is the previously Happy and Well-Traveled couple to do? Without further introduction, here is my Eight Ways To Stay Married With Children Survival Guide.

1. Don’t refer to each other as “Mom” and “Dad.” Why? Principally, because if either of you hears the words “Mom” or “Dad” again, you are likely going to Scream, because you hear those [_____] words all day long, and all the deep-breathing that you are doing isn’t [______] working anymore.

2. Look at each other. This may seem either obvious or pointless or both.  How, after all, can you avoid looking at each other, absent an express dispute causing you not to look at each other?  Actually, with Children, it is easier than it sounds.  Sometimes in the mornings, when I am racing around the kitchen preparing lunches and thinking about all of the various things that need to get done that day, I barely notice L, who barely notices me, because she is hurrying her way out of the house for her early shift at the hospital.  Or, I think, maybe she is just trying to avoid making lunches and doesn’t actually have to go to work, which is a preposterous thought, because of course L has to go to work and she isn’t just making up her start time or the fact that she is a Nurse Anesthetist, but these are the kinds of crazy thoughts that crop up in one’s mind when you have kids and you are having a Moment.  You just start blaming your spouse for things they really shouldn’t be blamed for, such as, in this case, Working.

3.  Fight Irrational Thoughts When You Are Having a Moment.  See paragraph 2 above, last sentence.  Your spouse, for example, may actually need to use the Restroom – he’s not simply trying to temporarily escape the Scrum.  In this regard, it is Vital to remember that you are all on the same Team.

4.  Don’t Take The Team Thing Too Far.  While it’s critical to remember you are on the same Team, don’t let your spouse transform solely into your Teammate.  Your Teammate is that guy who [insert crazy/ill-advised/poorly thought out thing(s)] when you were on the same team in college or high school.  Your spouse is not that, and we can all agree that this is something we should be thankful for.

5. Remember – It’s Often Harder Than It Looks.  Don’t underestimate how hard it is to manage a house and keep it all up when you are away and your spouse has the kids.  Nothing makes putting the Laundry away harder than when your kids take it all out again for no reason.  Dinner probably hasn’t been made because the kids are constantly beckoning (see paragraph 1 above), or because someone got Hurt, or because someone Peed on the floor (if you’ve read this blog before you will notice there’s lots of Peeing on the floor in our house).  Try to keep that all in mind, and remember all the Team stuff in paragraphs 3 and 4.

6. Give each other some “me” time. We all legitimately need breaks from all the chaos that is involved in children-having.  Give your partner some well-deserved time away.  Let them do something without the kids.  It doesn’t have to be extravagant.  In fact, it could be down-right pedestrian.  Nothing makes going to an Obnoxious Grocery Store and buying Obnoxiously Uninteresting Items at Obnoxiously High Prices at all glamorous or enjoyable other than doing all that with your kids in tow, because then the whole experience is simply Obnoxious.  Without them, though – it’s like no less than a Vacation. For more on Vacations, please see Item 8 below.

7. Don’t keep detailed track of the other person’s “me” time. It never adds up and you are never going to win the argument that your spouse got to take 2 hours at the Grocery Store while you only got 1.5 hours with your friends at the bar.  It’s not an argument worth having.  Just tell yourself it all evens itself out in the end, even if it doesn’t. Again, recall all the Team stuff in paragraphs 3 and 4 above.

8. Redefine what is “Cool” and “Fun.” Take, for example, Minivans, or Summer Vacations to The Jersey Shore. Before kids I used to Bag all over people who drove Minivans.  What the [____] are those things, I used to ask?  And all those old fogies that took vacations to the Jersey Shore?  Come on!  How lame!

You know what we’ve done that last three summers for our Summer Vacation? You guessed it.  We drove to the Jersey Shore.  In a [_____] Minivan.  And you can see how one of those went for us here:  https://letterstoflorence.com/2015/09/02/our-summer-vacation/

I know, how Cool and Fun and what a great way to Recharge!

Just keep telling yourselves that.

Now, you go call that Babysitter and get out there on the Town and be You again! Take those fun Selfies or those pictures of your Fried Calamari and post them wherever such things are posted.  Go take that bike-ride, or get that Couples Massage, or see that Movie that’s Not Animated and/or Rated Higher Than G.  I am sure that after reading this you can already feel your Marriage becoming healthier and more vibrant.  It probably even feels like Therapy, without the Therapist or the Bill (or the Therapy).