[In this Series of Blog Postings, I will offer some Unsolicited Advice on various topics pertaining to Parenting.  I trust you’ll be glad you didn’t ask for it.  In this installment, we’ll talk about surviving errand-running with your children, especially when you, the Parent, are out-numbered.  Happy reading!]

Frequently on Sunday mornings, I take my kids out to run errands while my wife catches up on a few things (and if you are thinking that’s poor negotiating on my part, you would be right).  Sometimes we’ll go to the grocery store and do the weekly food shopping.  Other times, we’ll go someplace like Target or the Library.  If I am feeling really ambitious, we’ll do more than one of those things.  With three of them and only one of me, these trips can be pretty challenging.  Here are some techniques that I have found to be helpful in managing them:

1.    Don’t Use Shopping Carts That Look Fun.  For shoppers with small kids, our grocery store of choice offers shopping carts that have car-shaped compartments for them to sit in, right in front of the main shopping basket.  In theory, this is a great idea – the kids will have fun in the car while you work methodically through your list, and possibly even do some price comparisons and nutrition-label reading.  I even like the “out of sight, out of mind” theory of putting the car way in the front, which allows the Parent to not hear much of what is going on.  In practice, however, it’s a horrible idea, at least when multiple children are involved; before you know it, arms and legs and heads, if not whole bodies, are likely to be coming out of each of the passenger doors.  You can ignore that for a few minutes and get away with it, but soon other shoppers start coming dangerously close to running into and/or over those body parts, and one of the few things that can make shopping with your kids even more difficult is a trip to the Emergency Room.  We’ve tried a supposedly safer version of this “car-cart”, where the car is elevated and behind the basket (i.e. right where you are pushing), but there’s something about kids and a grocery store and a big toy-like device that inherently inspires pushing and shoving and General Conflict and Acrimony.  So, save yourself the hassle and skip the fun-looking carts.  If they are shaped like cars, tell your kids they are out of gas, or bribe them with something unhealthful.  You will thank yourself in the end.

I know, some readers out there are wondering how they should transport their children in this situation, assuming that they cannot walk, or if they can walk, that they cannot do so competently and/or without getting into Trouble.  Here are some possible solutions, all of which will need to be tailored to suit the particulars of your children, including the actual number of children involved, and all of which have side effects, as described below:

• Double-Fist It.  This method involves pushing the shopping cart with one hand and your baby-stroller with the other. The advantage of this method is that, if you’re dealing with three children (and a double stroller), they are all strapped to their seats, which is really what you want in this kind of situation.  Side effects include (a) persistent wondering about how in the hell you’ve gotten to a point in your life where you are pushing a shopping cart and a baby stroller around a crowded grocery store, and/or (b) not being able to accomplish anything at all.  
• Baby Carriers.  You can always throw one of them in the good-old Baby Carrier.  If you’ve only got two with you, you put one right in there and other in the regular cart-seat.  Then, off you go.  That’s a pretty nice solution, but note the side effects in the next bullet point. 
• Muscle It Up.  For whatever reason – I think it’s pretty much mental weakness – whenever I wear a baby in a Baby Carrier, I get nauseous.  It’s a good thing I never had to be pregnant.  I am also prone to leaving things like this at home.  For those of you out there with similar issues, you can always just carry one through the store, and put the other in the cart-seat. Side effects include bicep muscle cramping and spasming in the arm that is doing the carrying, and extreme difficulty getting your wallet out of your back pocket when it comes time to check-out. 
• Re-Consider Your Plans.  Carefully consider whether you really do in fact need to go grocery shopping.  Do you really need that milk, or will water do for the night?  Were they really going to eat the dinner you cooked anyway?  Will anyone complain if you just mail the whole thing in and order a pizza?   

2.     Do Not – And I Repeat, Do Not – Allow The Kids To Use The Kiddie Carts.  Some grocery stores are now offering Parents the option to allow their children to push small, mini-shopping carts around the store.  Unlike the car shopping carts, which at least theoretically have some promise, this is an awful idea, plain and simple, and whoever thought of it needs to be placed on a good, long Time-Out. What do you think is going to happen when you combine (a) young children, (b) carts with wheels that are supposed to be pushed, and (c) crowded grocery stores?  Anything good?  Come on, national grocery store conglomerates that shall remain un-named (but that sell lots of organic, locally produced products and really quite nifty frozen dinners that make for great dinner solutions when time is running out at night)!  Get with it!  If you really wanted to help us Parents out, make a part of your store a baby-sitting corner where you promise that they will be doing Productive Things while you watch them, like reading books or watching videos about the importance of supporting local farmers by shopping at stores like [insert names of said unnamed stores].  We won’t even check to see if that’s actually happening, or be bothered by the commercial propaganda you are infiltrating their minds with, as long as you can keep them in an enclosed and relatively secure environment for thirty minutes, and away from those mini-shopping carts.

3.     Make Use of Low Standards (**Applicable to Men Only).  Whenever I am out in public with my children, I get a good deal of sympathetic looks and compliments as to what a Great Job I am doing.  One time, I was in a small public library with J, G and E, returning over-due books.  I somehow thought it would be fun to browse around the Children’s Section, to see if we could find anything interesting.  In less than three minutes, J and G were fighting over trains on a toy train table, and E was pulling picture books off the previously alphabetically categorized bookshelf.  All of them were making far, far too much noise, and the whole situation deteriorated rapidly, even by our standards.  So I quickly gathered them up and made my way out the door.  Before we left, though, another library-goer called us over.  She was an older woman, maybe in her late 60s or early 70s.  She looked kindly upon the children and remarked about how cute they all were.  Then she pulled me aside and told me that I was doing a Great Job, and that, when I went home, I should go and tell that to my wife.

I certainly appreciated the sentiment, and was absolutely sure to go home and tell my wife (Footnote #1).  For men, there’s a pretty low standard for achieving “Great Job” status when it comes to the management of children.  I am pretty sure if I were a woman, I would not have gotten that compliment.  Actually, I think if I were a woman, the other library-goers would have been grumbling under their breaths as to why I couldn’t get my unruly kids under control.  Similarly, in the grocery store, other shoppers wouldn’t just expect me to make sure my kids aren’t eating raw chicken off the floor before sending me their kudos.  In short, if I was a woman, I would only be doing my Job; there would be nothing exceptional or Great about it.

What an awesome deal, right fellas?  Right now, it’s still new and trendy and Impressive to be that guy wearing the baby-filled Bjorn and shopping for chlorine-free diapers at the local Whole Foods (Footnote #2).  We get TONS of credit for doing seemingly heroic stuff like this, even though our female counterparts have been doing this since – oh, I don’t know, let’s say the beginning of Time, just to round it off.  So, get out there and collect it!  What’s that?  You think there’s some unfairness in this?  Oh, come on!  You can’t think about Justice while you’re shopping in Whole Foods with that Baby in your Bjorn (Footnote #3).  You’re a guy, remember?  Just stay in your lane, don’t forget the diapers, and don’t lose that Baby.  If you can do that, someone will doubtless tell you you’re doing Great.

So there you have it, folks – some free Parenting Advice you didn’t ask for.  Tune in next time for a justification as to why it’s OK to let’s your kids go into swimming pools without first showering, like those annoying signs always say you’re supposed to.

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Footnote #1:  Pick your favorite “unimpressed” expression; that’s the one L gave me. 

Footnote #2: I swear this is not one of the stores obliquely referenced in Bullet Point #1.

Footnote #3: Ok, fine, it was Whole Foods.  The other one was Trader Joe’s.