[Our family recently received an invitation to attend a friend’s Important Event.  Below is my RSVP.] 

Dear Friend Who Hopefully Remains Our Friend,

We got your invitation to your Next Event And/Or Gathering.  We are so happy you invited us to come! Count us in.  We will definitely be there!  Happy-face emoticons!!!

One thing, though.  I am not sure what the date, time or location of your Event is, but regardless, we are going to be late.  Please do not try to accommodate us.  You shouldn’t do that anyway, but even if you did, it wouldn’t change things.  No matter when or where you have it, we’ll be late.  If it’s on a day when we have nothing else to do at all, we’ll be late.  If you gave us like a year’s advance notice, we’ll still be late.  If we’re supposed to be late, we’ll be even later.  Even if your Event is at our house, we’ll find a way to be late.  Really, it’s completely unavoidable.  Here are 7 reasons why:

1. Getting our three kids corralled and out the door is like carrying a large pile of laundry up a long flight of stairs without a basket.  Here is how it typically goes.  First, I say something to my sons like, “OK everyone, it’s time to get going!” for the second time, with increased Volume and Fatherly Authority in my voice.  What happened the first time?  Literally, nothing.  No change at all to what they were doing.  Not even like a head turn or anything.  You see, in our house, anything that sounds like a directive or an instruction needs to be said at least twice.  I sometimes declare that I am not going to say This or That Again, and ask, by way of confirmation, if everyone hears me, but who am I kidding? I repeat the same thing the very next sentence.  My daughter, of course, is watching all this from my hip, learning all the wrong lessons.  So much for hoping she’ll be more responsive.  And so much for my lower back, which continues to progressively degenerate.  Carrying kids hurts.
2. As they start moving toward the Foyer, they are distracted at least twice before they finally make it there.  One might see an uncapped Magic Marker bleeding on the couch and want to start a new art project; the other will want the banana that just five minutes ago he wanted nothing to do with.  I say it’s not time for any of this, and that we need to get going.  They then start asking to bring some random stuff along, like un-picked up toys still laying on the floor. I say no, they shouldn’t, because they are not supposed to and because they will likely (i.e. definitely) lose them, and then they will be sad.  Are they convinced?  Of course not.  Am I going to fight them on this?  No.  Why?  Because we have to get to your Event and we haven’t even gotten to the shoes and jackets yet.
3. Eventually, we get to those shoes and jackets. Now, normally, my sons are boisterous little fellows, full of energy and almost constantly in motion. It’s good to be young, isn’t it?  But when it comes time to put the jackets and shoes on, all movement suddenly stops.  Just a minute ago their whole bodies were fully powered by hyperactive nerve endings; now, they are the equivalent of inanimate Rag-Dolls.  Feet that need to stuffed into unforgiving shoe leather, arms that need to be put into jacket sleeves, fingers that need to be placed into gloves – all are suddenly and completely limp.  So I’ll have to put the Baby down and deal with all this, one-by-one, limb by motionless limb.  Now, of course, she gets into the Action, pulling shoes off of shoe-racks and dumping boxes of hats and scarves and gloves all over the floor.  By the time everyone is fully and appropriately clothed, I’ve questioned at least three times why we are going to your Event at all.  Please don’t take offense to that.  I think this pretty much every time we leave the house.  We are all still super excited to come!  More happy face emoticons!!!
4. While all of this is occurring, one of the Grown-Ups has to fill the Baby’s Diaper Bag.  That means someone has to (a) find the Diaper Bag, and then (b) scramble around for diapers, wipes, apple-sauce pouches, sippy-cups of milk and a change or two of clothes, in case of any really bad mishaps or accidents.  Inevitably, what happens is that the Diaper Bag is still in the Minivan, all of the sippy cups are dirty or missing, we are out of baby wipes, and/or the changes of clothes are all still upstairs in her bedroom.  So one of us starts to go upstairs to grab them.  But whoever goes is quickly called back to the Front Lines.  Yep – she just dropped a Number Two, right after the completion of Step 3 above.  Better bring her up and take care of that.
5. On the topic of Excretion, before we leave, I ask my sons if they need to use the Potty. I should have asked them this before I put on the jackets, but I rarely remember to do that.  They, of course, say no, they don’t.  We go through a dance similar to what we did in Step 2 above with respect to the toys.  Again, out of sheer fatigue and a feeling of overall Defeatedness, I relent, hoping I remember to take them once we get to your Event, because they definitely need to go, and we didn’t pack any changes of clothes for them.
6. Back to our house, which we still haven’t left.  I don’t know what your dress code is, but I assume you want us – that is, the Parents – to actually be wearing something, and something above the grade of Bummy Gym Pants and the shirts we slept in.  So, while all of the above is in process, we need to attend to that.  Also, I assume you are cool with us not showering.  If that’s not the case, you really need to put that on the Evite next time.
7. Speaking of us, the Parents, throughout all of this, we’ll begin to have that Silent Argument all Parents have about who is the root cause of this delay and General Unpreparedness (Footnote #1).  Grrr, why is the Diaper Bag empty, we ask our partners accusatorily in that argument we are having in our minds, the one in which we are totally and clearly right?  Grrr, where are the keys to the Minivan?  Grrr, what is taking so long up there to get dressed and now is not the time to be sneaking in that Alone Time you think you need!  Grrr, why are the sippy cups all dirty and Grrr, why do they have so many [_____] parts and Grrr, where are the [______] sippy cups anyway (Footnote #2)?   By the time we get everyone in the car and stuffed into the car-seats, we are both very quiet and clearly annoyed with each other, convinced that if the other could just get his or her stuff together, we might have a chance at being, if not on time, then at least not embarrassingly late. Even the kids appear to sense this, knowing, if only for the first few minutes of the drive, that they shouldn’t ask us for anything.  At that point, we’ll suddenly remember that the birthday gifts or the bottles of wine that we were supposed to bring are still in the house, which we will now need to turn around and go get.

Now, don’t be alarmed by any of this, Friend who has unwittingly caused all of this Chaos and Marital Strife.  Hopefully we are still invited, because we are so excited to come. Really, we can’t wait, and thanks again so much for the invite!! More Happy Face emoticons!!! (What?  You saw a Crying Face/Raging Lunatic emoticon in there?  Sorry – I promise that was just a typo.)

(Footnote #1: In the coming Love Column – Advice For Parents Who Are Married And Wish To Stay That Way, I will address phenomena like this, and how Parents can Constructively work through this kind of stuff.)

(Footnote #2:  As alluded to here: https://letterstoflorence.com/2015/03/16/how-to-maybe-train-a-catholic/, my Catholic faith follows me like a shadow.  But it’s hard in Parenting to always refrain from expletives.  I am trying my best here, but this is going to get tricky as I do more of these postings.)