You know, the other day, I started looking at one of Tim Ferriss’ books, which purport to tell the reader how to do amazing things in 4 hours, like begin and end a workweek, or develop a Great Body, things like that. And then I realized that exactly none of this content was geared toward me, because there is nothing at all impactful that I can do, like begin and end a workweek, or tone my Abs, in only 4 hours.

As is probably clear by now, I couldn’t even read his book.

But I can get my kids out of bed and to the bus-stop in 21 minutes, which I accomplished this morning, which was a Personal Record of mine; and if you are wondering how I did that, here is my How To Get Your Kids Out Of Bed And Out The Door In Twenty-One Minutes Guide:

– Try not to run so late next time, because this is highly unlikely to be accomplishable with any degree of regularity.

– Open up their Bedroom Doors and blast some kind of inspiring theme music from your nearest music-generating source (phone, computer, or for nostalgic effect, 1990s era Boombox). This morning I chose the opening song from The Lion King, and I will tell you, those kids rose up out of their beds like all those various animals around Pride Rock, though in a much more confused/alarmed manner.

– You’ve got to really master the Bathroom. While you’re brushing one kid’s teeth, someone’s got to be peeing.  Otherwise you’ve got to deal with Lines, and you can’t have any Lines, not with only 14 minutes left.  And if you’re thinking, well, you’ve got three children, isn’t there necessarily someone waiting, there isn’t, because he or she is going to skip all this and just Go when they get to school (and we’ll do an extra vigorous brushing tonight, or so you should say).

– If someone misses and Pees on the floor, you’re going to need to clean all that up later. I know, that’s kind of nasty, but sometimes Parenting is kind of nasty.  Incidentally, I kind of thought with E that I wouldn’t have nearly as many instances of this, but it turns out that you Girls, or at least my Girl, can miss just as well as the boys can, and at the most inopportune of times.

– Don’t let them do anything when they get downstairs before they put their jackets and shoes on. That’s right, no jackets and shoes, no breakfast; and you go on and tell them that you don’t care if that’s not what they always do, that they never eat breakfast with their jackets and shoes on, because that’s what everyone’s doing today.  And then Roar at them.  Like Mufasa.

– On matters of breakfast, these are not circumstances in which the children should have any choice. So when someone says something like, “But I wanted…”, you cut them off before they can finish their sentence because nobody’s got any time for that and if they don’t want to be hungry they will Eat Their Damned Toast.

– Some kind of bull[____]’s going to happen, because it happens every morning. Usually in my house it is E and G getting into some kind of Skirmish over something like who got a Yellow Gummy Bear Vitamin, or who is sitting in who’s chair at the table, or something like that.

Now, I don’t know the manner in which you Bring It On, but now you’re down to like 6 minutes left, and it’s [____] cold outside, and you still need to get all the backpacks all packed and the lunch boxes all stuffed, so now’s the Time to Bring It. “It” means that Voice and/or Look that indicates Business, and that there will be no more [______] around.  I can usually tell when I’ve adequately brought It when J starts saying things like “Guys, Dad’s not kidding, didn’t you hear him, finish your breakfast, or we’re never having breakfast again!”

– Speaking of lunches, hopefully you made them beforehand, but if not, I’ve got nothing for you. You’re screwed.

– Don’t spend any time thinking about how you really ought to get started earlier, because you already didn’t do that.

– Don’t spend any time wishing your kids were more self-sufficient, because they aren’t, and they never will be, even if at some point in their lives they almost certainly will, but since that point is not Now, it is entirely irrelevant, and may as well never happen.

So there you have it, folks. It’s not nearly as elegant or inspiring or fun-to-think-about as Tim Ferriss’ solutions, but at least you made it out the door, onto another much-longer-than-Four-Hour Workweek.